I’ve been wanting to write this piece for a while now, I just couldn’t figure out how to do it “properly”. So after much debate, I decided to toss the proper etiquette aside and just tell things like they are. I generally find things to be more accurate and even at times funnier when the ugly truth is spoken.
DISCLAIMER: Do not read any further if you don’t find the sounds of our bodily functions at least somewhat funny. This is not meant to gross anyone out, rather it’s an attempt to bring humor to some of our not-so pleasant or perfect situations. Admittedly, I do not have the typical sense of humor; I grew up with two, much older brothers….read on at your own risk :)
Farting, passing gas, sugar poots, pooting, tooting, breaking wind, letting one rip; whatever you may call it, one thing is absolute; everyone has passed gas in their lifetime, and it will not be stopping anytime soon. But yet for some reason, adults and kids alike think it is hilarious when someone farts aloud. Males especially find humor in competitions to see whose fart smells the worst or is the loudest. Well I have news for you guys; your farts don’t hold a candle against someone who suffers from a digestive disorder!
As many of you already know, I have Celiac Disease. On top of that, I am also allergic to dairy (both the lactose and the milk proteins) and I struggle with a mild case of fructose intolerance.Whether you have Celiac Disease, Crohns Disease, food allergies, or any other type of gastrointestinal issue, you should be able to relate to the following.
Before I found out about my milk allergy, I would literally spend hours in the bathroom at work, each day. There is no telling how many times I would either turn on the water or flush the toilet attempting to try and muffle the sounds of my stomach in hopes that my coworkers wouldn’t hear the awful fart noises that I was producing. Thankfully, at the time I mainly worked with men so they really didn’t care, but I did. After all, we as a society are taught that breaking wind in public, even if it’s in a public bathroom, isn’t proper. It was nice that the only other woman at the office was also lactose intolerant; she was understanding & empathetic (and knew not to dare go in the restroom after me).
I remember clearly the day I finally admitted to myself that something else was wrong with my gut, in addition to Celiac Disease. My office was dreadfully close to a Starbucks, so it was not uncommon for the office to buy everyone a drink (since there were only 11 of us in the office), especially on the days when we were slammed. I ordered a Vanilla Bean Crème Frappuccino® – Blended Crème, a rich and creamy blend of vanilla bean, milk and ice, topped with whipped cream.
Looks & sounds like heaven, right? WRONG!
Within no time after enjoying the Vanilla Bean Crème goodness, I found myself stuck on the phone with a client, sweating, clenching my teeth, squirming in my chair & squeezing my butt cheeks together as hard as I could, trying to keep the impending, churning, lava explosion that was manifesting in my gut, under control until I could race to the bathroom and unleash the wrath of God on the poor, unsuspecting, innocent toilet. I swear that was the longest client phone call of my life! As soon as I hung up, I literally ran to the bathroom and……OH…. MY….. LORD! The farts that ensued were inconceivable! If you’ve seen Dumb & Dumber, picture the scene where Harry (Jeff Daniels) is blowing up the upstairs toilet of the beautiful Mary Swanson because Lloyd (Jim Carey) spiked his coffee with a laxative……does that remind you of any of your real life experiences?
I bet I was in the bathroom for well over an hour that day. I was doubled over in pain, crying & wishing I were dead; at least then the pain would’ve gone away. When I did finally emerge, still in pain & with tear stained red cheeks, no one dared talk to me for a good bit. I was beyond mortified at what had just happened and at the office no less!
My husband and I had been married for over a year before I let out my first “poot” in his presence. Even then he wasn’t actually present in the room, he just happened to walk into the room a few minutes after I had let one rip. He walked into the kitchen, stopped in his tracks and said, “Ugh! What is that smell?! Did you poot?” I couldn’t help but laugh, as the look on his face was priceless. I fessed up to the menacing odor that lingered in the air as I knew that would not be the last toot of the day. After letting out another exasperating “ugh!” my husband looked at me and replied “Your insides are rotten!”
You have to understand that earlier that particular day, I had succumbed to one of my weaknesses; ice cream. Not just any ice cream, but that of Talenti’s Chocolate Peanut Butter Cup (think chocolate ice cream with miniature Reece’s peanut butter cups in it). I am a sucker for homemade ice cream as well, but knowing that I am allergic to it, I generally stay away from it….yes, I said generally. Smart woman, aren’t I? Wait, don’t answer that. So, yes sometimes my cravings override my good sense.
With my many food allergies, it seems as if my stomach is almost always messed up in some aspect, be it gas, diarrhea, cramping, bloating, nausea, sour stomach, etc,. Even today as I wrote this, my stomach has just not felt right. So it only makes sense that the gastrointestinal tract of someone with a digestive disorder would be more sensitive than most.
Our stomachs can do some amazing things because of foods…but, instead of being embarrassed by it, why not try to find the humor hidden amongst our self-made stench?! lol Humor is a great healing tool; and while it may not heal our stomachs or ease the smells that come from them, at least it can help heal our hearts & attitudes!
Until the next tale…….